‘I’m strong because I’m not allowed to break’: The exhausting truths behind mothering children with disabilities
· Citizen
They tell you you’re a hero until they don’t have to help.
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For many South African mothers raising children with disabilities, public praise is a polite cover for ongoing neglect; a label that applauds resilience while letting services, family networks and policy off the hook.
“I’m always told, ‘God gives special kids to special parents.’ And it fills me with rage,” says Sipho Langa, a mother of an autistic child.
“They tell me I’m ‘resilient’ like it’s a compliment, but they only say that so they don’t have to offer me a hand.
“I didn’t want to be a survivor; I just wanted someone to help me.”
What follows are the lived realities behind that frustrated sentence. The repeated small losses that pile into a lifetime of uncertainty. The daily practical compromises and strained family dynamics. The loneliness masked by religious platitudes and social applause.
These mothers described grief that returns at every milestone, an exhausting relentlessness of care, and a constant worry about who will look after their children when they can’t.
Making sense of the diagnosis
The first task many mothers face is understanding a diagnosis and learning to live with it.
That process usually starts with shock, confusion and scarce information. Health professionals, when present, and extended family often become the scaffolding that helps mothers move from bewilderment to adaptation.
“When the diagnosis hit, it felt like an actual death in the family. We were completely devastated,” Olwethu Zungu, 29, said of first learning her baby would need lifelong care.
“But the reality truly sank in when I watched my friend’s three-year-old running around and talking. It’s a sucker punch to the gut every time because all you can think is, ‘that was supposed to be my baby.'”
Some mothers, after the initial trauma, find ways to reframe and manage daily life.
Zungu described gaining confidence and purpose through advocacy work.
“The experience of being a young mother of a disabled child made me stronger. I am a motivational speaker at a disability centre. I help other moms help themselves.”
But not every story bends toward empowerment.
Bonono Zitha, who gave up work and study to care for her child, said the change has erased the future she once imagined.
“The day my child was born, my own life completely stopped. I tried re-enrolling in school, but the sheer exhaustion and lack of support made it a losing battle. You can’t study when your entire existence is consumed by survival,” she said.
For the 24-year-old single mother, the lack of accessible support forced her into domestic roles that she had tried to escape.
Grieving the “child I never had”
Loss for these mothers is recurring rather than finite. When other children hit milestones like school, graduation, marriage, mothers of disabled children often relive a small funeral for the future they expected.
“People think grief is something you move past, but with a disabled child, it just waits for you at every corner,” said Litha, mother of an 18-year-old with Down syndrome.
“Seeing my peers’ kids hit the milestones my child never will is a constant reminder of the life we were forced to leave behind.”
Thato Novuka, 31, described a quieter, more private grief:
“There is a deep guilt in admitting it, but I look at old photos and desperately miss the person I was before this became my reality. It feels incredibly selfish to mourn my own freedom when my focus should be elsewhere.”
Uncertain futures and relentless worry
A near-universal fear is the question of care beyond the mother’s lifetime.
“My biggest terror isn’t death itself; it’s the aftermath. If I’m not here tomorrow, who is going to fight for him?” Zungu asked.
Zitha and Lihle Jafta, 27, echoed the same dread. Long-term guardianship, financial security, and the prospect of care weigh heavily on them.
“The world simply wasn’t built for a child like mine, and that reality terrifies me. Every single day, I am haunted by the same exact question: ‘When I am gone, where on earth does she go?'” Jafta said, describing the practical despair that can shadow caregiving.
Family adjustments and shifting roles
A disabled child reshapes household responsibilities and relationships. Grandparents frequently step in as critical support, and siblings must adapt to a family where one child’s needs often take priority.
“My mom is my pillar of strength… when things go wrong, I turn to her,” Zitha said of the emotional support she receives. Her father, she added, has formed a special bond with the child: “They are like buddies.”
Yet those shifts can also intensify inequality within the home. Zungu admitted feeling guilty when telling her other child there was no space to sleep in her room because of the demands of the disabled sibling.
“I hate myself for saying no to him,” she said.
Parenting roles can harden in new ways. In some households, mothers became the primary caregivers while fathers took on decision-making or breadwinning roles. In others, partners shared responsibilities closely.
“My husband and I work together all the time to make sure that we are raising our son the best way we can,” Zungu said.
But she also noted that community members often assume couples “don’t need any help” because they present as managing, which further isolates them.
Personal cost and unexpected strengths
Zitha said she felt her life had “reached a dead stop.”
Others, like Jafta, found new virtues emerging.
“Taking care of my child alone has shown me my own raw power. I am infinitely more patient, incredibly resilient, and absolutely unstoppable. If I can survive this, I can conquer anything.”
These mothers described both sacrifice and growth – gratitude for moments of deeper empathy and anger at having to shoulder burdens because public systems and communities fall short.
What they need instead of applause
Across the interviews, praise never replaced concrete support.
Mothers asked, implicitly and explicitly, for accessible services, clear information at diagnosis, flexible work options, respite care, financial assistance for specialised needs, and long-term planning support so their children won’t be left vulnerable.
According to UNICEF, in South Africa, an estimated 70 to 90 percent of school-aged children with disabilities are not in school, often due to affordability and access barriers.
Financial impact
Ongoing expenses include specialised schooling, therapy and medical care, assistive devices, caregiving support and specialised transport.
Some rely on the Care Dependency Grant (CDG), a monthly financial support of R2400 provided by the South African Social Security Agency (Sassa) for parents or primary caregivers of children with severe permanent or chronic disabilities who require full-time, special care at home.
Lukhanyo Vangqa, spokesperson for the Department of Basic Education, said special-needs schools are excluded from quintile-based funding, the model that makes some schools “no-fee.”
Unlike regular schools, their funding is based on the disabilities they support, not on how poor the local area is.
Vangqa admitted, though, that these schools face “systemic” problems. He didn’t detail what they are, but confirmed the inclusive education directorate is moving to fix them.
Comparing special schools showed that public school fees range from about R11 00 to as much as R38 000 a year, depending on the province. Day schooling is sometimes free, but at least one special school identified charged day-school fees of up to R17 000 annually. The cost can be many times more for those who seek private schooling. Some charge between R87 000 and R150 000 annually.
In reality, few South African families can afford this because the typical cost of school
fees and therapy exceeds the average household income.
“People always ask me, ‘How is your son doing?’ Almost no one asks, ‘How are you doing?'” said Linda Moabelo, whose 11-year-old has physical disabilities.
The question captures the core request: mothers want to be seen as whole people with their own needs and vulnerabilities.